Immaculate Rejection

"First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Yup, you heard that right. Women can try to shut that whole "rape" sperm thing down, as opposed to the "consensual" sperm thing, which must thrive unabated within us. It's a miracle!

Congressman, Todd Akin honestly believes that women have the ability to spontaneously terminate a pregnancy at will. That notion in itself is simply stunning, and it surely ranks right up there with the most ignorant utterances of all time.

Did I mention that the Congressman is on the House Committe of Science, Space, and Technology? Scientists everywhere are collectively banging their heads.

The fact that Mr. Akin let fly this nugget during a televised interview is simply too good to be true. But give the guy a break. I mean there does have to be extenuating circumstances. It's not like we can just wiggle our noses and jettison a fetus for any old reason. The rape has to be "legitimate."

In the fantastic world of Congressman Akin, women only have the power to self-terminate pregnancy if we are legimately, forcibly raped. So is immaculate rejection completely ruled out in the event of illegitimate forcible rape? Well of course it is Silly. I mean, otherwise why would we need abortion laws? Duh!

And what constitutes illegitimate rape, do you suppose?

Dressing provocatively? Attending a party unescorted? Going to a bar alone? Nude beach? Standing at the end of our driveway waiting for a school bus? Sleeping in our own home? Walking across a college campus? Riding a subway at night? Whenever a violent, sexual predator swears under oath that sex was consensual? During a hurricane? When we come from humble beginnings. Going out without our berka, and any other instance when forcible rape is quite clearly a women's fault?

Or, we can follow Mr. Akin's embarrassing gaffe to it's logical conclusion. If you claim you were raped, and you got pregnant, you are lying.

OK, but the real, live doctors estimate rape related pregnancy occurs roughly 32,000 times each and every year. Hey, Mr. Akin...is utilizing Google beyond your intellectual comprehension as well? And specifically WHO are these doctors you've been understanding from? Or are YOU the one who is lying?

Exactly what are these mysterious ways by which we can induce abortion with the power of our uterus alone? Wouldn't you just love to ask that question of Mr. Akin...or even better, Mrs. Akin? And isn't she just the luckiest girl!

Here are my best guesses:

Sing rugby songs wearing a crown of Crocus under a full moon.
Recite the Magna Carta while furtively rubbing a magical rock.
Swallow a Midol with a diet Pepsi.
Read the entire Supreme Court decision of Roe V Wade.
Pledge your allegiance to a Druid Priestess dressed in a jock strap and top hat.
Drive a T-bird over a cliff pretending to be either Thelma or Louise.
Eat only chicken McNuggets for a week.
Build a shrine to Germaine Greer out of birth control pills
Sing Helen Reddy's "Delta Dawn," with your hand on your vagina wearing nothing but black stilettos
Tattoo your ass with the likeness of Billy Bob Thornton
Recline in a windowless room listening to Inagodadavida turned up real loud
Hold your breath and perform 100 kegels dressed in a leopard print unitard

Ridiculous? Well, yes, but we're in keeping with the theme here.

And what of Mr. Akin and his Senate run? Rumor has it he'll not be getting the women's vote, except for poor, old, deeply misunderstood, Mrs. Akin. He has issued a statment claiming that he "mis-spoke." No kidding you jackass, but sorry, we didn't mis-hear.

On the national scene, I'll bet Romney and Ryan are shell shocked by the friendly fire. All in all a bad day for Republicans, Mrs. Akin, and men in general. But a great day for late night TV, political satirists and editorial commentary.

Speaking of men, I'm always amused how completely they misunderstand a women's body. Really, there should be a primer. Think of the things they've designed just for us; high heels, nylons, berkas, chastity belts, underwire bras, witch-hunts, and now this amazing concept of immaculate rejection.